A Gag Gift For Jesus
If you’re stuck in traffic on I-4, on a certain overpass, at exactly the right time, you can see a bunch of Roman Centurions beating the shit out of Jesus. Because somewhere in Central Florida, there exists a Christianity-Fueled Theme Park called “Holy Land.” They sell Milk & Honey flavored ice cream! You can meet your favorite characters from the bible! And they openly discriminate against the LGBTQ+ community when hiring!
Like a Cracker Barrel, but with a tax break!
The high point of any visit to Holy Land is the Jesus Show. (Since I’ve never been to Holy Land, I don’t have the exact details but bear this cross with me.) Jesus is doing his thing, I assume there’s singing, he parades throughout the park in some “Stages of the Cross” event, then the Snuff Part happens. But Lo, behold: after he is (simulation) Crucified, the Jesus Groupies (Disciples?) put the Jesus Actor’s body in a (simulation) cave, and everyone waits.
Then, like clockwork, a massive suuuper-heavy hydraulic-powered rock rolls away from the cave’s entrance, and BAM He Is Risen!
But this isn’t Jerusalem, it’s Orlando, and all these performers are working multiple gigs. After the show at Holy Land, Jesus takes off his mic and drives 2 miles down the road to Universal Studios, where he puts on leather pants and a rubber mask (exactly as sexy as it sounds) and performs as Frankenstein in Bettlejuice’s Rockin’ Graveyard Revue! …Or something very similar.
AAAANYHOOO, one day, the Actor who played Jesus and Frank, a very talented all-singing all-dancing person, was about to perform the finale at Holy Land when he emerged from the cave, Risen AF, smiles beatifically at the crowd, and then… something went wrong.
There was a SNAP heard from just behind him, (Him?) and THE GIANT ROCK PROP POPPED LOOSE FROM ITS HYDRAULICS AND ROLLED OVER THE ACTOR.
I can only imagine the horror as the crowd watched their Lord and Savior (Saviour?) SQUISHED FROM HIS TOES TO HIS PELVIS.
Obviously, this probably hurt quite a bit. Here is a picture of Not That to make you feel better.
911 is called, Thoughts And Prayers swoop in, and the actor is rushed to the hospital where it is quickly determined that every bone in his body has been crushed, from the waist down. Yikes.
I didn’t know this performer, but I worked at Universal too, and word quickly spread that One Of Ours was in dire straits. People who worked with him kept us posted, and, truly, no joke miraculously, he survived. And then the good people of Universal Studios did what we do best: we came together as a community, and sent a case of Rolling Rock to his hospital room.
But like, when have Show People NOT been dicks? And I think on some intrinsic level, we know it’s important to keep your spirits up during a struggle. Even if you’re the Son of God.
But something really, really cool happened: through prayer, positive vibes, maintaining his sense of humor, and a massive fucking physical therapy schedule, this incredibly strong performer recovered. He walked again. And then he danced again. And against all odds, he was able to fully return to the singing/dancing shows he loved so much.
It truly is a Miracle, in a way!
So whether you’re a Jesus Person, or a Frankenstein Person, or you’re just super into dead things coming back to life and performers returning to follow their passion, (Passion?) this one’s for you.
