2007 was the Carnival of Carnage, and I was OBSESSED with my costume. I was to be a Zebra, which doesn’t sound particularly scary at first blush, but Universal Orlando often uses stilt performers more as a Distraction Scare, to hold someone’s attention while another performer sneaks up on them. …

In 2006, Universal Orlando held a Sweet 16 theme for HHN, and featured a live show called “The Arrival.” My friend Frankie Ficarelli and I were on stilts and on microphone, as twin Demonesses heckling the crowds before Satan himself (my friend Carlos Jackson) entered. Carlos was the Devil from…

In 2001, 9/11 had just happened and it was a weird season. Universal had gone through its New York area and removed any red lights from the buildings and windows, so Guests wouldn’t be reminded of explosions or fire. I was just a smalltown ghoul, living in a lonely world…

In the year 2000, I was a Witch. Technically, I was THE Witch, from Hansel and Gretel, in the Scary Tales House. …

I wouldn’t consider myself a Person of Size. I might be Curve-Curious though because I think those lace garter thigh things are sexy as hell. …

You don’t want me in your yoga class. I’ll show up on time, in my Lulu Lemon pants that are still fresh after 20 wears to Target and Trader Joe’s. I’ve definitely forgotten my water bottle. I’ll go through the poses and dig deep, but I’ll still giggle each and…

So my friend was given this really awesome car that he had for years, and we all fucking LOVED that car but we also knew it was giving him a few problems. He needed it for work so he bought some really shitty, low-grade oil and put that in his…

If you’re stuck in traffic on I-4, on a certain overpass, at exactly the right time, you can see a bunch of Roman Centurions beating the shit out of Jesus. Because somewhere in Central Florida, there exists a Christianity-Fueled Theme Park called “Holy Land.” They sell Milk & Honey flavored…